...they are weak, but HE is strong....

In just a few short hours, we'll load up once again to make the drive across town to the radiation clinic for Matt to resume his treatments. He has a remaining 12 treatments with an ending date of June 15. While taking a break from treatments was not originally a welcomed idea, it has truly been a much needed blessing for our family. Matt was physically at the end of his rope and this short retreat gave him the physical strength he needs to continue this fight. As for our family, we got to see a little of our Matt back this week. You have no idea what a joy it is to see my husband smile and joke around after the last 3-4 weeks we've had. He actually left the house several times this week. My kids got to have their Daddy lay on a blanket in the backyard with them while they ran around and played. What might seem like little things were huge blessings to me and my kids. We are grateful. This week gave us all a chance to come up for air and take a huge breath before diving into the weeks ahead.

With this week under our belt, we will embrace tomorrow as the first step to the end! Matt has been very bothered by the fact the paper chain (see earlier post) has not gotten any shorter this week. He's ready to get this show on the road. :) He's ready to get done and get better. I feel like this break was a gift of strength for Matt and for me. We know where our strength comes from. Nehemiah 8:10, "...the joy of the Lord is my strength."

I heard this song several weeks ago on the radio. I had to download right that minute and ended up playing it for Matt on one of our car rides to get his treatments.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlHzSori-Wg&feature=related

Strong Enough
by Matthew West

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give upI'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give upI'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Benefit...Blessing Dinner

On Friday night, May 20, 200+ people gathered to serve, support and love on our family. When we walked into the doors of the church, we were both overwhelmed to see so many volunteers scurrying about helping with food. Then, we walked into the PowerHouse and saw table upon table full of people that have been in our lives, some for 8+ years.

It's hard to express the overwhelming feeling that I had that night. What a beautiful night! So many details were put into to making this the perfect blessing for our family. A group of ladies worked hard making enchiladas and desserts from scratch. The centerpieces told the story of our family with words and pictures. My Dad, Pastor Si and Scott Brownson were all part of the evening to encourage my husband.

My Dad got up spoke of the man of God that Matt had become and how very proud he was of him. (We had a bet going that he would cry....he didn't!) Then, Pastor Si encouraged Matt to keep on. He reminded him of all the people that love him and are supporting him right now. Then, he said "Don't give up. We all need you." Every person in the room stood to their feet and began to applaud. I was so proud of myself because I had held it together up to that point. Goose bumps covered every inch of my skin and tears filled my eyes. While he would probably never admit it, even Matt had tears in his eyes in that moment. That was it. We need him. There was a new spring in his step after Friday night. What a blessing. My Matt needed that encouragement to his weary soul. We are so grateful for all the time and service that was put into Friday night. We will never forget it.

Children's Church

A friend captured Payton as he was helping lead the songs on Sunday morning at church. He takes after his father and loves to be the center of attention.

Who's in charge?

I anticipate writing in the near future about the beautiful benefit dinner for our family on Friday night. I’m waiting oh-so patiently for some pictures that a friend took to capture the amazing evening.

I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether to be completely open with what is on my mind and the lesson that I am learning. You see, I don’t like to be vulnerable to really let people in to see the real me. It might come from being a Pastor’s Kid all my life and living in what they call the fish bowl. Everyone seemed to know everything about me and my family and have an opinion on how we “should” be. It took me a long time to let go of those expectations put on me by others.

One of my greatest strengths AND my greatest weakness is that I am a perfectionist. There….I said it. That being said, I will be the first to assure you that I am FAR from perfect. While this is not the first trial God has used to teach me in this area, this has definitely been the most difficult. I long for the day that I have my organized, on-time, prepared mind back. A friend recently said she had covered for me to someone that emailed me and never got a response (in my defense, it had been less than 48 hrs). She told this person that I wasn’t good at returning emails. Hearing that come from her mouth made me stop in my tracks. That wasn’t me. I do return emails. My life has not been the same since February 14 this year. My time is consumed with supporting my husband through this journey and making sure that my sweet children are phased as little as they can be by what’s going on in our house. There are days that it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and make it to bedtime. I am emotionally, physically and even spiritually exhausted. Everything that I once had to just be on top of…emails, house work, phone calls, appointments, etc….all of those things are not a priority. It’s not that they aren’t important. It is that those are things that I had to move to the very bottom of my “to do” list. My time is focused elsewhere. My focus was shifted to one thing….I have to get my husband and family through this. All of the other things, I let go. I do hope that there is a day when I can feel like I have a better grasp on the little things in life again.

This has been an eye-opener to get my focus back on God and not trying to be or have everything perfect. I have learned that as much as I’d like everything to be perfect, it’s not going to be. And, that’s okay. I want to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and that has to be my main focus. Then, I want to love my husband and precious gifts from God with every ounce of my being. If everything else falls down around me, that’s okay. I do still believe God calls us to be good stewards of what we’ve been given and I’m not speaking just about finances. We are called to be good stewards of our relationships, our families, our blessings, but getting so wrapped up in trying to control everything and make it perfect is consuming and has to be given to God. I cannot make things perfect. When things are not going as I would have liked them to, I have to remind myself that God is God and I am not. I want to, again, lay this at Jesus’ feet. I give all my control to God. I surrender. I have no idea what You’re doing in our family, but I need you and I want you to be the Guy in charge around here.

Life is hard, but God is good

Matt is pushing through the radiation treatments. We met with his doctor yesterday and she reprimanded him for not taking in enough calories. So this week, I work on fattening him up. :) She warned him of the side effects getting worse throughout this week. She said it looks like he may have to take a week off because of the blisters and other things going on in his mouth. This is typical with treatments of head and neck cancer. Matt would rather just push through and get it done, but she said proceeding could cause permanent damage and they want to make sure that doesn't happen. She'll check him out again on Monday and decide.

This is hard on our whole family. Just yesterday, Matt was exhausted and headed back to take a nap. Maylee Grace said, "Daddy, I don't want you to go to sleep." :( The kids miss their Dad. I miss my husband. He's not himself. I have to remind myself that this is just temporary and I'm constantly praying for strength from God.

We made a paper chain with the number of treatments Matt has left. It helps the kids have a part in what's going on and they get to see an end. Here is my slim and trim husband. He weighed in at 267lbs before surgery. He weighed in Monday at 237lbs.

The Sun is Out and the Wind is Gone!

The days have been beautiful lately and the kids are loving be outside as many hours a day as they can be! I love to see the smiles on their faces and I thought I'd share them!

Our baby boy turned 10!!!

On May 6, Camden turned 10. Where has the time gone? We celebrated this year by going to an indoor waterpark hotel in Albuquerque. He brought his great friend, Bryson, along with us. Unfortunately, Matt wasn't able to come because his radiation treatments were making him so fatigued. We did celebrate with cake and presents at home before we went to the waterpark. All the kids had a blast and were worn out by the end!

This is NOT fun

Tomorrow, Matt will complete radiation treatment #14 of 37. He still has a way to go. This week was supposed to be a week of celebrations at our house. Our 13th wedding anniversary was Sunday, my birthday was today, Camden's birthday tomorrow and Mother's Day on Sunday. Unfortunately, it has been a trying week for our family and most especially Matt.

The side effects of the radiation have worsened over the last week. Matt can now only last about 4-5 hours in the morning and then, he needs to sleep. He comes home from work at lunch time and takes a 2-3 hour nap and then, never really bounces back after the nap. He feels nauseous all the time. His mouth is filled with a thick mucus that makes it hard to swallow and talk. He has blisters on the inside of his cheek and lip and his tongue is basically raw. He has also completely lost his taste buds. This morning, he said to me, "I can't do this anymore." It's getting tough.

I feel completely helpless watching him suffer. There is not much I can do to ease his discomfort other than let him sleep and rest. It breaks my heart to not hear his laughs or see his smile all day. I just want to scream, "Why?? Why does he have to go through this?" On the other hand, we need him to do this for us. This radiation will hopefully be away to get ahead of the cancer, so we never have to deal with this again. I am just holding on with white knuckles to the Truth I know, but sometime it's so hard to grasp.

I Peter 1:6-7
"There is wonderful joy ahead even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

"Like a metalsmith, God places His precious ore in a fire to consume the dross--to purify the metal, not to destroy it. And He never leaves the metal alone in the fire. He stays with it through each step of the refining process, until He can see His own image reflected in its surface."

This is NOT fun. I pray that as God is refining and purifying Matt and me that He will be pleased with the final outcome. It's going to hurt, it's going to be timely, and it's going to require total loss of control. He loves us so much that He will not leave our side during this entire journey. I pray that our purified metal reflects Christ's image to reveal His glory to all when this is over.

Week 2 of Radiation Complete!

This has been a slightly rough week for Matt. At the beginning of the week, he already noticed his first blisters. Then, his face continued to swell. The doctors were confused as to what might be causing the swelling. They thought it could be an infection from his surgery or from the radiation itself. The swelling was making Matt feel miserable and unable to speak without pain. After seeing 2 different doctors this week, his radiation doctor called Thursday afternoon and said she knew what it was that was causing the swelling. She assumed that it might be a clogged duct or gland. She called in a prescription and after 3 doses his swelling has gone down significantly which has lifted his spirits. He is unable to taste very well and it still is painful, but unfortunately is has to get worse before it gets better. He is also still very tired.

Please continue to pray that Matt doesn't get discouraged. He is faced with having to endure this everyday knowing that it is going to just get worse. On Tuesday, he was flat out angry that his face was so swollen and painful....it made for a long drive to the radiation office that day. :) He did take in a video camera and tripod this week to video the 15 minute process of his treatment. You can see it on our Paragon Church blog : http://www.paragonchurchblog.blogspot.com/

Resurrection Day!

We had a blessed Resurrection Day! We had a beautiful morning at Paragon Church. Then, continued to celebrate the Risen Saviour with great family friends. Poor Maylee Grace came down with an awful fever at lunch and took a long nap and missed out on hunting for Easter eggs.

Bryson and Camden

Maylee Grace and her buddy, Nick from church

Saturday morning, we made our annual Resurrection rolls to remember that Jesus wasn't dead, HE IS ALIVE. We take Jesus' body (marshmallow) and anoint it with oil and spices (melted butter and cinnamon/sugar). Then, we wrap His body in clothes (crescent roll). We put the body into the tomb (oven). When the rolls are done, Jesus' body (marshmallow) is not there!

HE IS ALIVE!

One week down...

This week we left our house at 7am everyday to battle traffic to the radiation office. First, let me say, we have been abundantly blessed by a dear friend who has volunteered to come be with my sleepy headed children every morning so that I might accompany my husband to his treatments. I feel extremely grateful that she is giving her time so that I can support and be there for my husband. It is a gift that means more than she will ever know. I was sharing with someone this week about this sweet friend and they responded, "That's what the body of Christ does." It's a beautiful depiction of giving whatever you are capable of giving and then, serving whenever God calls. Thank you, Juanita.

Matt is doing well after his first week of treatments. The only side effects he has noticed at this point is extreme fatigue and his face is swelling. He asked the radiation tech today about the swelling and they mentioned that was a common side effect. The hardest thing right now is that he is so tired. His body is remaking cells that the radiation is killing, so it is working overtime trying to catch up. He has met with a radiation consultant this week and the doctor. They were checking in to see how he is feeling. They began to prepare him for the side effects that are to come: dry mouth, severe sore throat, blisters on the inside of his mouth and outside of his face and the continuation of fatigue. Matt is staying positive, but not looking forward to the drive the next 5 weeks every day. Although, he did invite all of the people working at the radiation office to Easter service. Their excuse was that it was too far from where they lived. He said, "If I have to come all the way over here to see you everyday for the next 6 weeks, you can drive over and see me once on Easter Sunday. "

Maylee Grace relaxing with Daddy. She was trying to get him to say "cheese".

Aunt Carrie, Uncle Steve and Easton came to visit!

While my sister was here, we took a trip to the Aquarium. I thought it was hard to get a good picture with 3 kids...add another toddler and it's almost impossible. We had a great time though!

Payton (4), Maylee Grace (2), Easton (1) and Camden (9)

Preparing for Radiation Therapy

Today was a difficult day for me emotionally. I felt a heaviness in my heart as we walked into the radiation clinic. I know that in the next couple of weeks, this will become routine, but today, it shook me to my core. Sitting in the waiting room, I looked around and Matt and I were younger than everyone there by at least 30 years. What was wrong with this picture? My 35 year old husband is preparing for radiation.

Today, his appointment was to be fitted in the mask once again and get accurate marks onto the mask for where the radiation rays will be directed. The nurse came to the waiting room and called Matt's name. We both got up to head to the back of the clinic. The nurse stopped me and said that I couldn't come just yet. My heart was crushed and my stomach sank. Like a scolded puppy, I turned and went back to my seat. In my defense, I wanted to turn and say, "Wait, we're a package deal. We're a team." It's not that Matt was scared or needed me. I just didn't want him to have to do it alone. With tear filled eyes, I sat back down in my seat, clutched my purse and begin to pray that God's presence would be so evident to Matt.

A few minutes passed and the nurse came back to get me. I walked into the room and Matt was in his mask bolted to the table. It was surreal. It was disturbing. We've decided to document this journey in words and pictures. Not that we are experts, by any means, on radiation, but it has been interesting to hear what people assume. Matt is tightly fitted into his mask. He told me today that he can hardly swallow or move his eye balls because it is so tight. He has to wear this 5 days a week for the next 6 weeks. This is going to be painful and take a toll on his body and I would imagine his spirits. Please continue to pray for strength and encouragement for Matt.

His very own parking space!

Who says girls can't like Batman?

The Glory of the Lord Revealed

This week was a week of ups and downs. Thursday, we got a call from the radiation doctor saying that they had met as a team of doctors and discussed Matt's case. The doctor was calling to tell us that she felt Matt should go see an oncologist about getting chemotherapy as well as the radiation. This was not welcomed news. Matt was not happy. He began praying asking God why would he possibly need to do both. Several hours after the original phone call, the doctor called back and said after speaking to the oncologist, the didn't think he needed to have chemo. Whew! What a relief!

Friday Matt went down to the radiation office where he had a CT scan and was fitted for his mask. This mask keeps his face/head from moving at all. It will be bolted to the table during the treatment. He had to wear it for 15 minutes or so during the CT scan. A whole hour later, you could still see the imprint from the tight fitting mesh. From here, we have to wait a week for the CT scan results and our insurance to approve the treatments. He is scheduled to start treatment on April 14.

Matt preached this morning for the first time since surgery. He was so excited and did very well as he always does (although I may be a bit partial). At the end of the service his incision site was rock hard and swollen. This afternoon he felt rough and took it easy.

I am not sure why God has allowed this trial in our lives. I am not sure why Matt, the happiest person I know, has to go through this. I may never know this side of Heaven. This is a passage of Scripture that has been especially encouraging.

Isaiah 40: 3-5

"In the desert place, prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountian and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain. And the GLORY of the Lord will be revealed and all mankind will see it...."

Praise the Lord that one day, the glory of the Lord will be revealed! Our lives don't come trial-free, but Isaiah told the people--"Prepare to see God work!!" God is going to continue to do great and mighty things through Matt's life. What a day that will be to see the glory of the Lord revealed!

Papaw's visit from WV

Matt's Dad, a.k.a. Papaw, came in for the week after Matt's surgery. Being that he and Memaw live so far away, we don't have the luxury of seeing them very often. Since the invention of skype our kids get to "see" them on the computer almost every week. Paul came out to help with the patient. Matt was worried that he wouldn't be able to do much with his Dad, but his quick recovery allowed for lots of good times this past week. It mostly consisted of watching basketball. We are so very grateful that he took a week to come into our crazy world for a few days. I love my father-in-law.

More than we could ask or imagine....

Ephesians 3:20-21

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory...."

Today was Matt's post-op appointment with his doctor, exactly 1 week from surgery. The doctor kept saying over and over again how amazed he was that Matt was healing so fast after such a major surgery. He did go over the pathology reports with us. They didn't find any cancer in the lymph nodes and salivary gland that he removed; however, the doctor believes Matt should still radiate the area (as well as his tongue) to "get ahead of the cancer". The best way he explained it to us was the cancer is like a dandelion. He pulled it out at the root and by the root, but doesn't mean that pieces of it didn't go anywhere else. Matt needs to do the radiation to kill any of the seeds that might have planted in his mouth or neck. The doctor removed the steri strips from Matt's neck, so we got the first look at his incision. Matt's doctor is a plastic surgeon, so he did a great job in sewing Matt up. I don't think his incision will even be noticeable in a few weeks.

I think about this very time last week and Matt was in pain and absolutely miserable. We had no idea what the week was going to have in store. We had no idea how much speech would remain for Matt. I remember sitting in the hospital room just waiting for him to be more alert to hear him try to talk. When he did become more alert, I was able to tell him that the doctor only had to take the margins once which meant, he took the least amount of his tongue that he could have. Matt just gave me a thumbs up in his drug induced state. :)

I am so blessed to report that Matt is doing great! Due to his love for food, he's been trying to sample almost every dish that has come to our house the last 3 days. He has to take it slow and very small bites and his taste buds aren't quite up to par, but he can eat! He also is speaking remarkably well. I really can't believe how well he is speaking. He can't wait to go to church on Sunday!

From here.....Matt will most likely start radiation in 3 weeks. He has one more appointment where his doctor will release him to start the radiation therapy. As he started looking at the calendar today, he immediately pointed out that Easter would fall before week 3 which is when the pain that comes with the therapy will most likely start. He really wants to be able to speak on Easter.

All I can really say is that WE ARE BLESSED! God has given us strength to get through this first portion of this journey. Even in the moments when I felt like I couldn't take another step, God did something, sent someone, or led me to Scripture to remind me He is here with us.

My Rock

Matt is doing much better today. He is up and around and even playing video games! One huge blessing is that his speech sounds pretty good for the type of surgery he just had. I was encouraging him this morning on how well he was speaking. That was one of his biggest fears was not being able to speak and be understood. At this point, his tongue is still very swollen, so his speech is slurred and it is painful for him to speak, but I can understand him!! Praise God! He had a much better night of sleep without the neck drain. He even tried eating some pudding and yogurt last night. Since Friday, all he had consumed was water, iced tea and liquid medicine.

We have been blessed by so many cards, messages, etc. We even received a beautifully made comfort quilt and Matt's favorite, a Packers blanket. It has been such an encouragement to us and especially Matt.

A very dear friend sent this ornament to me. She encouraged me to lay my head on the "Rock". Her note was so uplifting to me. I have been trying to be strong for my husband, my family, my kids, the people around me. This strength is not from me. I can't rely on my own strength. It's from God. He is my Rock and my Refuge in time of trouble. He is with us every step of the way. The last couple of days have been especially difficult seeing Matt so discouraged and in so much pain. God wants me to lift my eyes back to Him and lean on Him.

Psalm 62:6

He alone is my ROCK and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

No church for us today

This is the first Sunday in a VERY long time that we weren't in church. Matt is having a rough day today. He was feeling a little perky yesterday afternoon, but this morning he felt pretty miserable. We met the doctor at his office this morning to remove his drain. He removed the drain and said things look well. The doctor said day 2-3 is the worst and that he normally keeps patients in the hospital for 3-4 days after this surgery. He just knew Matt would rest better at home.

We will go back to the doctor on Friday for the post-op visit. He should have the results from the labs on the lymph nodes and salivary gland they took from Matt's neck. If those results come back as cancerous, they would just use stronger localized radiation to kill those cells.

It is so sad to not see Matt smiling. He's always smiling and laughing at something. I told him that this morning and he tried to crack a half crooked smile at me. I love him.

Matt gets to go home!

The doctor came by and checked in on my sweet patient. He is pleased with Matt's progress and apologized for beating him up so bad. :) He removed 20-30% of his tongue during surgery. He was unable to remove the drain from his neck yet. He wants to leave it in for another 24 hours. I asked the doctor how many stitches Matt had and he replied, "tons". His neck is very sore.

Matt is ready to be home in his own bed. We look forward to being discharged in the next hour. Thank you for your continued prayers.