Thursday, May 26, 2011

Who's in charge?

I anticipate writing in the near future about the beautiful benefit dinner for our family on Friday night. I’m waiting oh-so patiently for some pictures that a friend took to capture the amazing evening.

I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether to be completely open with what is on my mind and the lesson that I am learning. You see, I don’t like to be vulnerable to really let people in to see the real me. It might come from being a Pastor’s Kid all my life and living in what they call the fish bowl. Everyone seemed to know everything about me and my family and have an opinion on how we “should” be. It took me a long time to let go of those expectations put on me by others.

One of my greatest strengths AND my greatest weakness is that I am a perfectionist. There….I said it. That being said, I will be the first to assure you that I am FAR from perfect. While this is not the first trial God has used to teach me in this area, this has definitely been the most difficult. I long for the day that I have my organized, on-time, prepared mind back. A friend recently said she had covered for me to someone that emailed me and never got a response (in my defense, it had been less than 48 hrs). She told this person that I wasn’t good at returning emails. Hearing that come from her mouth made me stop in my tracks. That wasn’t me. I do return emails. My life has not been the same since February 14 this year. My time is consumed with supporting my husband through this journey and making sure that my sweet children are phased as little as they can be by what’s going on in our house. There are days that it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and make it to bedtime. I am emotionally, physically and even spiritually exhausted. Everything that I once had to just be on top of…emails, house work, phone calls, appointments, etc….all of those things are not a priority. It’s not that they aren’t important. It is that those are things that I had to move to the very bottom of my “to do” list. My time is focused elsewhere. My focus was shifted to one thing….I have to get my husband and family through this. All of the other things, I let go. I do hope that there is a day when I can feel like I have a better grasp on the little things in life again.

This has been an eye-opener to get my focus back on God and not trying to be or have everything perfect. I have learned that as much as I’d like everything to be perfect, it’s not going to be. And, that’s okay. I want to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and that has to be my main focus. Then, I want to love my husband and precious gifts from God with every ounce of my being. If everything else falls down around me, that’s okay. I do still believe God calls us to be good stewards of what we’ve been given and I’m not speaking just about finances. We are called to be good stewards of our relationships, our families, our blessings, but getting so wrapped up in trying to control everything and make it perfect is consuming and has to be given to God. I cannot make things perfect. When things are not going as I would have liked them to, I have to remind myself that God is God and I am not. I want to, again, lay this at Jesus’ feet. I give all my control to God. I surrender. I have no idea what You’re doing in our family, but I need you and I want you to be the Guy in charge around here.

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