The Greatness of our God

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since Matt's last treatment. His first week was rough. Two days after completion of treatment, he got 3 new blisters/sores on his tongue. It was so painful for him to talk. It was a little discouraging knowing he should be on the mend.

Moving into the second week, we finally began to "see the light"! He began to feel better. He was able to talk without gagging (this was a huge accomplishment). This past Sunday was his first Sunday back to preach at Paragon Church. I think I held my breath for the first 5 minutes. He brilliantly planned to have our worship leader, Gerome, read the passages for him and then sing songs between his major points. This allowed him time to rinse his mouth out and take a break. God is good!

A couple of nights ago, Matt and I were talking about the whirlwind that we've been through in the last few months. February 14 of this year changed any plans we had for the immediate future. We talked about how we had made it. Now, things are going to only get better from here. The battle in my mind begins to flip-flop. One minute, I resonate our accomplishment. The next my mind races with all the "what if's". What will the results of the next PETscan show? Will the cancer come back? Will cancer take my husband's life? I don't remember being this fearful the first time. Maybe it is because it did return and in such an agressive way. Then, God quickly reminds me of His greatness. My mind turns back to how faithful He has been. Matt is still here. He can still speak...Praise God. He has been faithful in our church. People have stepped up and the ministry to Rio Rancho didn't skip a beat....Praise God. I have to hold onto His greatness. He is greater still. I have to trust in His greatness. I will never be able to fully know His greatness this side of Heaven, but I have to purpose to recognize it in everything He has entrusted to me....blessings and trials.

"Give me grace to see beyond this moment here,
to believe that there is nothing left to fear.
And You were on it, high above it all,
And You, my God, are greater still"
by Natalie Grant

God's Word reminds us that NOTHING can separate us from His love....not fear, not cancer, not inadequacy, not imperfection, not distance....NOTHING.

Romans 8:38-39
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Today we celebrate!

I don't even know where to begin to reflect on this journey. While the physical part of this trial is over, the next few months will be filled with recovery, healing, doctor's appointments and routine PET scans to ensure all the cancer cells are indeed out of Matt's body.

Let me first acknowledge that I am married to a man of incredible strength. He is truly amazing. Everyone that saw him during the last few months could see the physical toll this was taking on his body, but there was so much that everyone didn't see. He was fighting a major battle physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am so proud of him for not stopping treatment when he wanted to. He still has a long road to get "back to normal", but at least he's on THAT road now. One of his biggest concerns when things started getting rough was how hard it was for me and the kids. That is who he is and I love that about him.

God has been working on me through this journey. I had to let go of things or expections that I held so tightly to. There were times that I thought I might not make to this day. I specifically recall a night that Matt had gone to bed really early (which had been routine due to his fatigue). The house was quiet and dark. I sat down on the floor and vocally cried out to God. I was done. This was too hard. We were surrounded by people who loved and supported us, but yet I felt completely alone. It was like He said to me...I am the One you need.

I am so elated to celebrate today. The kids are excited too. We've been counting down the treatment days on our paper chain. We had planned today to take all 3 kids and Mrs. Juanita with us to the very last treatment. Then, we were going to a donut shop around the corner to celebrate! That is just what we did. While Matt was unable to enjoy a donut, he was excited to be done and share in the celebration with the kids.

From here, it's just going to get better.


Last day of treatment 212 lbs

First day of treatment 257 lbs

Waiting for Daddy to finish his last treatment

Poor Daddy couldn't eat a donut today, but we hope to visit this same donut shop at his 1 month appointment and he can down a French Crueller. :)

An Unexpected Blessing

Before Matt started his treatments, Juanita Peralta from our church, approached me. She said to me that she wanted me to be able to go every day and be beside my husband during his treatments and doctor's appointments. While she would probably graciously bow out of any public thanksgiving, I wanted to share with everyone I know the blessing she was to me personally during this journey. One of my first concerns when we found out about Matt's cancer and then, the treatment he was going to require, was how am I going to be able to be there for him and take care of the kids? I cried out to God knowing that I could not do this alone. Juanita had no idea about that plea to God from me. She just stepped up and knew that she was able. This beautiful woman came to my house almost every treatment day (37 treatments) and I think she still loves us. :) She was here before my kids even got up most days. She got Camden ready for school. She fed everyone breakfast. She saw our family up close and personal...the good, the bad, the ugly. She saw my messy house. She saw my crazy kids. She even saw some of my melt downs. Most of all, she allowed me to let go of the huge responsibilities I have at home, so that I could fully support and physically be there for my husband every day. Not to mention, my children have totally fallen in love with "Mrs. Nita". Thank you with all my heart Juanita.

No One Fights Alone

As we turned the corner to our street, we were so surprised to see our house all spruced up with decorations! Not only that, we had a group of people waiting to meet us when we got home. What a humbling moment to see a group of people that were genuinely as excited about this day as we were. Several weeks ago, we sold 100+ bracelets at church to show Matt that we were all praying for him and rooting him on. The bracelets read "No One Fights Alone". The group of loved ones standing in our front yard today was a beautiful reminder that we haven't been fighting alone.
I have the last chain link in hand!

Only 1 more left!

The paper chain only has one more left! One more treatment! I have no doubt that the kids and I are just as excited as Matt is! We want our Daddy back.

Splash Day!

We had so much fun playing in the water today. Several friends from church came over to have a day of fun in the sun. There were lots of smiles and giggles in our backyard today. A highlight for all the kids was playing with shaving cream. They all got a kick out of getting covered in gooey shaving cream.

Chick-fil-a Pirate and Princess Night

We had lots of fun dressing up for Pirate and Princess night at Chick-fil-a. The kids had been so excited for this night for a week! We got to meet Miss New Mexico and a real pirate ;) and of course, the Chick-fil-a Cow. It was so cute to see how excited they were.

5 more treatments!

Matt will complete his 37 radiation treatments next Wednesday! We met with the doctor today. Again, she was concerned with Matt's weight. He weighed in at 215lbs. The doctor said he will have 3 month check-ups with her as well as his surgeon/cancer doctor after completion of radiation.

One of the side effects from the radiation treatments is hair loss. We took a picture of Matt's bald spots before we shaved his head to make it a little less obvious. The two spots on the back of his head are where the lasers exit. They enter on his chin where he also has baby soft skin with no hair.

...they are weak, but HE is strong....

In just a few short hours, we'll load up once again to make the drive across town to the radiation clinic for Matt to resume his treatments. He has a remaining 12 treatments with an ending date of June 15. While taking a break from treatments was not originally a welcomed idea, it has truly been a much needed blessing for our family. Matt was physically at the end of his rope and this short retreat gave him the physical strength he needs to continue this fight. As for our family, we got to see a little of our Matt back this week. You have no idea what a joy it is to see my husband smile and joke around after the last 3-4 weeks we've had. He actually left the house several times this week. My kids got to have their Daddy lay on a blanket in the backyard with them while they ran around and played. What might seem like little things were huge blessings to me and my kids. We are grateful. This week gave us all a chance to come up for air and take a huge breath before diving into the weeks ahead.

With this week under our belt, we will embrace tomorrow as the first step to the end! Matt has been very bothered by the fact the paper chain (see earlier post) has not gotten any shorter this week. He's ready to get this show on the road. :) He's ready to get done and get better. I feel like this break was a gift of strength for Matt and for me. We know where our strength comes from. Nehemiah 8:10, "...the joy of the Lord is my strength."

I heard this song several weeks ago on the radio. I had to download right that minute and ended up playing it for Matt on one of our car rides to get his treatments.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jlHzSori-Wg&feature=related

Strong Enough
by Matthew West

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough Strong enough
For the both of us

Well, maybe Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give upI'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Cause I'm broken Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give upI'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

Benefit...Blessing Dinner

On Friday night, May 20, 200+ people gathered to serve, support and love on our family. When we walked into the doors of the church, we were both overwhelmed to see so many volunteers scurrying about helping with food. Then, we walked into the PowerHouse and saw table upon table full of people that have been in our lives, some for 8+ years.

It's hard to express the overwhelming feeling that I had that night. What a beautiful night! So many details were put into to making this the perfect blessing for our family. A group of ladies worked hard making enchiladas and desserts from scratch. The centerpieces told the story of our family with words and pictures. My Dad, Pastor Si and Scott Brownson were all part of the evening to encourage my husband.

My Dad got up spoke of the man of God that Matt had become and how very proud he was of him. (We had a bet going that he would cry....he didn't!) Then, Pastor Si encouraged Matt to keep on. He reminded him of all the people that love him and are supporting him right now. Then, he said "Don't give up. We all need you." Every person in the room stood to their feet and began to applaud. I was so proud of myself because I had held it together up to that point. Goose bumps covered every inch of my skin and tears filled my eyes. While he would probably never admit it, even Matt had tears in his eyes in that moment. That was it. We need him. There was a new spring in his step after Friday night. What a blessing. My Matt needed that encouragement to his weary soul. We are so grateful for all the time and service that was put into Friday night. We will never forget it.

Children's Church

A friend captured Payton as he was helping lead the songs on Sunday morning at church. He takes after his father and loves to be the center of attention.

Who's in charge?

I anticipate writing in the near future about the beautiful benefit dinner for our family on Friday night. I’m waiting oh-so patiently for some pictures that a friend took to capture the amazing evening.

I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether to be completely open with what is on my mind and the lesson that I am learning. You see, I don’t like to be vulnerable to really let people in to see the real me. It might come from being a Pastor’s Kid all my life and living in what they call the fish bowl. Everyone seemed to know everything about me and my family and have an opinion on how we “should” be. It took me a long time to let go of those expectations put on me by others.

One of my greatest strengths AND my greatest weakness is that I am a perfectionist. There….I said it. That being said, I will be the first to assure you that I am FAR from perfect. While this is not the first trial God has used to teach me in this area, this has definitely been the most difficult. I long for the day that I have my organized, on-time, prepared mind back. A friend recently said she had covered for me to someone that emailed me and never got a response (in my defense, it had been less than 48 hrs). She told this person that I wasn’t good at returning emails. Hearing that come from her mouth made me stop in my tracks. That wasn’t me. I do return emails. My life has not been the same since February 14 this year. My time is consumed with supporting my husband through this journey and making sure that my sweet children are phased as little as they can be by what’s going on in our house. There are days that it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other and make it to bedtime. I am emotionally, physically and even spiritually exhausted. Everything that I once had to just be on top of…emails, house work, phone calls, appointments, etc….all of those things are not a priority. It’s not that they aren’t important. It is that those are things that I had to move to the very bottom of my “to do” list. My time is focused elsewhere. My focus was shifted to one thing….I have to get my husband and family through this. All of the other things, I let go. I do hope that there is a day when I can feel like I have a better grasp on the little things in life again.

This has been an eye-opener to get my focus back on God and not trying to be or have everything perfect. I have learned that as much as I’d like everything to be perfect, it’s not going to be. And, that’s okay. I want to love God with all my heart, soul and mind and that has to be my main focus. Then, I want to love my husband and precious gifts from God with every ounce of my being. If everything else falls down around me, that’s okay. I do still believe God calls us to be good stewards of what we’ve been given and I’m not speaking just about finances. We are called to be good stewards of our relationships, our families, our blessings, but getting so wrapped up in trying to control everything and make it perfect is consuming and has to be given to God. I cannot make things perfect. When things are not going as I would have liked them to, I have to remind myself that God is God and I am not. I want to, again, lay this at Jesus’ feet. I give all my control to God. I surrender. I have no idea what You’re doing in our family, but I need you and I want you to be the Guy in charge around here.

Life is hard, but God is good

Matt is pushing through the radiation treatments. We met with his doctor yesterday and she reprimanded him for not taking in enough calories. So this week, I work on fattening him up. :) She warned him of the side effects getting worse throughout this week. She said it looks like he may have to take a week off because of the blisters and other things going on in his mouth. This is typical with treatments of head and neck cancer. Matt would rather just push through and get it done, but she said proceeding could cause permanent damage and they want to make sure that doesn't happen. She'll check him out again on Monday and decide.

This is hard on our whole family. Just yesterday, Matt was exhausted and headed back to take a nap. Maylee Grace said, "Daddy, I don't want you to go to sleep." :( The kids miss their Dad. I miss my husband. He's not himself. I have to remind myself that this is just temporary and I'm constantly praying for strength from God.

We made a paper chain with the number of treatments Matt has left. It helps the kids have a part in what's going on and they get to see an end. Here is my slim and trim husband. He weighed in at 267lbs before surgery. He weighed in Monday at 237lbs.

The Sun is Out and the Wind is Gone!

The days have been beautiful lately and the kids are loving be outside as many hours a day as they can be! I love to see the smiles on their faces and I thought I'd share them!

Our baby boy turned 10!!!

On May 6, Camden turned 10. Where has the time gone? We celebrated this year by going to an indoor waterpark hotel in Albuquerque. He brought his great friend, Bryson, along with us. Unfortunately, Matt wasn't able to come because his radiation treatments were making him so fatigued. We did celebrate with cake and presents at home before we went to the waterpark. All the kids had a blast and were worn out by the end!

This is NOT fun

Tomorrow, Matt will complete radiation treatment #14 of 37. He still has a way to go. This week was supposed to be a week of celebrations at our house. Our 13th wedding anniversary was Sunday, my birthday was today, Camden's birthday tomorrow and Mother's Day on Sunday. Unfortunately, it has been a trying week for our family and most especially Matt.

The side effects of the radiation have worsened over the last week. Matt can now only last about 4-5 hours in the morning and then, he needs to sleep. He comes home from work at lunch time and takes a 2-3 hour nap and then, never really bounces back after the nap. He feels nauseous all the time. His mouth is filled with a thick mucus that makes it hard to swallow and talk. He has blisters on the inside of his cheek and lip and his tongue is basically raw. He has also completely lost his taste buds. This morning, he said to me, "I can't do this anymore." It's getting tough.

I feel completely helpless watching him suffer. There is not much I can do to ease his discomfort other than let him sleep and rest. It breaks my heart to not hear his laughs or see his smile all day. I just want to scream, "Why?? Why does he have to go through this?" On the other hand, we need him to do this for us. This radiation will hopefully be away to get ahead of the cancer, so we never have to deal with this again. I am just holding on with white knuckles to the Truth I know, but sometime it's so hard to grasp.

I Peter 1:6-7
"There is wonderful joy ahead even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world."

"Like a metalsmith, God places His precious ore in a fire to consume the dross--to purify the metal, not to destroy it. And He never leaves the metal alone in the fire. He stays with it through each step of the refining process, until He can see His own image reflected in its surface."

This is NOT fun. I pray that as God is refining and purifying Matt and me that He will be pleased with the final outcome. It's going to hurt, it's going to be timely, and it's going to require total loss of control. He loves us so much that He will not leave our side during this entire journey. I pray that our purified metal reflects Christ's image to reveal His glory to all when this is over.

Week 2 of Radiation Complete!

This has been a slightly rough week for Matt. At the beginning of the week, he already noticed his first blisters. Then, his face continued to swell. The doctors were confused as to what might be causing the swelling. They thought it could be an infection from his surgery or from the radiation itself. The swelling was making Matt feel miserable and unable to speak without pain. After seeing 2 different doctors this week, his radiation doctor called Thursday afternoon and said she knew what it was that was causing the swelling. She assumed that it might be a clogged duct or gland. She called in a prescription and after 3 doses his swelling has gone down significantly which has lifted his spirits. He is unable to taste very well and it still is painful, but unfortunately is has to get worse before it gets better. He is also still very tired.

Please continue to pray that Matt doesn't get discouraged. He is faced with having to endure this everyday knowing that it is going to just get worse. On Tuesday, he was flat out angry that his face was so swollen and painful....it made for a long drive to the radiation office that day. :) He did take in a video camera and tripod this week to video the 15 minute process of his treatment. You can see it on our Paragon Church blog : http://www.paragonchurchblog.blogspot.com/

Resurrection Day!

We had a blessed Resurrection Day! We had a beautiful morning at Paragon Church. Then, continued to celebrate the Risen Saviour with great family friends. Poor Maylee Grace came down with an awful fever at lunch and took a long nap and missed out on hunting for Easter eggs.

Bryson and Camden

Maylee Grace and her buddy, Nick from church

Saturday morning, we made our annual Resurrection rolls to remember that Jesus wasn't dead, HE IS ALIVE. We take Jesus' body (marshmallow) and anoint it with oil and spices (melted butter and cinnamon/sugar). Then, we wrap His body in clothes (crescent roll). We put the body into the tomb (oven). When the rolls are done, Jesus' body (marshmallow) is not there!

HE IS ALIVE!

One week down...

This week we left our house at 7am everyday to battle traffic to the radiation office. First, let me say, we have been abundantly blessed by a dear friend who has volunteered to come be with my sleepy headed children every morning so that I might accompany my husband to his treatments. I feel extremely grateful that she is giving her time so that I can support and be there for my husband. It is a gift that means more than she will ever know. I was sharing with someone this week about this sweet friend and they responded, "That's what the body of Christ does." It's a beautiful depiction of giving whatever you are capable of giving and then, serving whenever God calls. Thank you, Juanita.

Matt is doing well after his first week of treatments. The only side effects he has noticed at this point is extreme fatigue and his face is swelling. He asked the radiation tech today about the swelling and they mentioned that was a common side effect. The hardest thing right now is that he is so tired. His body is remaking cells that the radiation is killing, so it is working overtime trying to catch up. He has met with a radiation consultant this week and the doctor. They were checking in to see how he is feeling. They began to prepare him for the side effects that are to come: dry mouth, severe sore throat, blisters on the inside of his mouth and outside of his face and the continuation of fatigue. Matt is staying positive, but not looking forward to the drive the next 5 weeks every day. Although, he did invite all of the people working at the radiation office to Easter service. Their excuse was that it was too far from where they lived. He said, "If I have to come all the way over here to see you everyday for the next 6 weeks, you can drive over and see me once on Easter Sunday. "

Maylee Grace relaxing with Daddy. She was trying to get him to say "cheese".

Aunt Carrie, Uncle Steve and Easton came to visit!

While my sister was here, we took a trip to the Aquarium. I thought it was hard to get a good picture with 3 kids...add another toddler and it's almost impossible. We had a great time though!

Payton (4), Maylee Grace (2), Easton (1) and Camden (9)